Brutal Honesty, Thoughts

[adia1270]

What is brutal honesty? Can you afford to be brutally honest? And what is the alternative to brutal honesty?I see this phrase from time to time and wonder when it first came about. The phrase ‘brutal honesty’ is actually a very clever juxtaposition of two very different things. Look at the dictionary definitions:

bru·tal [broot-l] –adjective
1. savage; cruel; inhuman
2. crude; coarse
3. harsh; ferocious
4. taxing, demanding, or exhausting
5. irrational; unreasoning.
6. of or pertaining to lower animals.

hon·es·ty [on-uh-stee] –noun, plural -ties.
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

So using those definitions, let me just associate a bit here: savage uprightness, crude sincerity, exhausting frankness, unreasoning freedom from deceit. Each one of them has a highly negative meaning to me.

So when should you be brutally honest? If you’re trying to confront someone with a substance abuse problem? If you’re telling Jane that dress just doesn’t match her eyes? If you’re telling Junior there is no Santa Claus?

Brutality is an act of violence. If I am being brutally honest, I am assaulting your beliefs in some way. I would probably guess that this happens very frequently when people confront others over:

1. Money
2. Relationships
3. Substance abuse
4. Lifestyle habits (overweight, etc.)
5. Illness or injury
6. Psychological problems

#6 is probably an area best left alone since I’m not a psychiatric professional, and I will only speak to the other five. Taking money as an example, when is brutal honesty necessary? If you have a friend who is spending like crazy, running up a significant credit card debt, should you tell them to stop? Should you be brutally honest and tell them “you have a low-paying job, too much debt and you’ll never be able to buy a house or retire or live like a normal person until you get your spending under control”? That depends on your relationship with the person, but my guess is that brutal honesty is almost always met with hostility and seldom achieves its goals.

Boy am I gonna get it. WooHoo-

~V.P.

[Peony]

Yep Adia.....but please sit my daughter, whom I haven't seen or heard from in 4 years and tell her this.....she seems to be caught in a time warp...she's 37 and acts like a spoiled teenager.

[adia1270]

[lilysmom]

My best friend is from Iran and he always told me an old Persian proverb which loosely translates to "any person can make you laugh. A true friend will make you cry". What it means is that only a true friend will care to tell you the truth when you need to hear it even if you don't want to. A true friend will call you out on your shit.
Do I always appreciate it at the time? No. But after I think about it the words I heard where always the right ones.
There's not always a need for brutal honesty. If I ask do I look fat I don''t want it but if I'm about to make a huge mistake in my life hell yes I want that brutal honesty.
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[adia1270]

I think the key word here is brutal. I agree, I definitely don't want a friend to play into my faults, but I also don't want to be verbally hacked on that trip.

[cibyll]

I don't believe there is such a thing as brutal honesty. I am a plain speaker and I come straight out and say exactly what I mean, especially if that persons' behaviour will harm or disrespect others. To the person on the receiving end who doesn't want to hear it, they may perceive it as brutal because it is not giving them what they want to hear.

This is possibly because they do not want to be held responsible for their actions and they want others to pat them on the back and tell them it is okay, and that their behaviour is not their fault and they are a victim blah blah blah.

There is a word for this : Enabling.
Enabling is allowing another persons unacceptable behaviour to go on, thus showing acceptance of it and thus the unacceptable behaviour goes on, potentially causing damage and pain to others that person comes in contact with.

Unfortunately we are in the era of playing the victim and not really taking responsibility for our actions or the choices we make and try to shift the responsibility for our actions onto bad parenting, or the actions of another so we do not have to make the effort to change ourselves.
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Proud member of arse kissers anonymous

[7:06pm]

I want to hear the truth, but in a respectful, helpful way, not in a crushing, smash-it-in-my-face-because-your-ego-wants-to sort of way.

There are helpful ways, and mean, bitchy ways. Guess which way I react to best, lol. The helpful, softer way goes a lot further with me, and will garner results, whereas the mean, in-your-face way just makes me walk on by.
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~*~We were meant to live for so much more~*~
.........................*For thee, I wait*.........................

[Peony]

I know the poet laureate of California....at least he was last time I checked....his name is Jose Montoya and he lives in Sacramento. He belonged to the same artists organization that I did. I went on a group camping trip which he attended. My daughter was 4 and hated camping...he took her for a walk and they talked...after that she was fine. He's been to my home for dinner and I to his.

One of his most memorable quotes goes something like this "suffer me not to see a moco on my mustashe and look the other way"

Means the same....honesty isn't always pretty, but a true friend would tell him he had snot on his lip and not let him go around embarrassing himself.

[adia1270]

[BinnieBob]

I've been told I'm brutally honest - in regards to self-evaluation. If people ask me for an honest opinion they get it. But I tend to try and boost people due to my own self-worth being so very low - ultimately we are all of value - or have the opportunity to be. I have bery high goals I suppose.

I'm also a lousey liar.